The Story

   It's easy for me to compare my life against everyone around me. I get into this rut where I think I should be better, should have done more with myself. I'm very competitive and I never feel my shortcomings as deeply as I do when I'm reading someone else's story.

   I get wrapped up in fictional works. TV shows, movies, books; they all appeal to me as a place where I can leave reality behind for some alternative. It's a place where I don't have to face my own failures. I don't have to look myself in the mirror and hate what I see.

   But their story is not mine. It never will be. I can't live my life crammed full of what-ifs. What if I could have gone into acting or music or art at a much younger age? What if I'd gone to college and gotten a traditional education? What if I'd been more outgoing, taken more chances, been a braver person? Could I have been or done something great?

   I could do this my entire life and never amount to anything; just a pile of regret and bad memories. I could burn out like this, dreaming of everything I could have been, should have been. In the end, none of those dreams of grandiosity will amount to anything.

   The person I am now was created through fire. I wasn't born brave or outgoing. I haven't always been willing to stand up for myself and fight for what I want. This being is scarred and imperfect, but it's all I have. I can't get back the past thirty years. I'm not sure I would if I could. I have a unique perspective on life that can only be brought about by pain. The person who is willing to sell everything and leave all they've known behind is not the same person of ten years ago, or even five.

   The lead in my story isn't attractive. They aren't in shape, and although they're always trying to improve, they know they will never be Hollywood material. They will never be the best at anything. A wise man once said "There will always be someone better; more talented, better looking, more experienced. The only thing you have to offer is yourself; if you spend your time trying to be someone else, you're giving up the only thing that makes you stand out from the crowd."

   Unlike fictional stories, I can't control the beginning. I can't predict the ending. But in between is a whole pack of blank pages for me to fill with my story, and I'm just getting started.